December 13

December 13, 2022 — Leave a comment


I hope I do this justice…

I was still a kid back then, back when you turned my world upside down.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I can’t explain how safe I felt that first night I slept in your arms. From the day I was born and until that moment, I rarely felt this safe… but you made it my reality, not a rarity.

I still remember the butterflies in my stomach when you kissed me for the first time. I remember so many details you’d think I’m a creep, but I guess a part of me knew that our moments together weren’t something I should forget anytime soon. Part of me knew that I would fall deeply in love with you. It was the first time I kept you a secret from everyone, even the people closest to me. I didn’t want anyone crashing into my bubble of happiness.

And 3 years later, that’s still the reality. You are my bubble of happiness, and I cherish every high as much as I cherish every low because it taught me something about myself, about you, and about us. I know I can be stubborn, but I’m learning more and more every day to keep my guard down with you, even when we argue, even when I’m right, and even when I’m wrong because you are not someone who is trying to hurt me. You are simply fighting for me, and I’m sorry that I forget that sometimes.

Even after reading so many novels, I still didn’t understand the meaning of “he makes me a better person” until I spent these years with you. You’ve opened my eyes to so many things, and you’ve made me stronger and braver than I ever was. You’ve taught me how to truly love someone fully and unconditionally.

Maybe this is me giving you reassurance because I know I can get blinded sometimes by my needs and past pains that swallow me whole. I sometimes forget… I forget that you need reassurance too. I forget that you need to be loved and heard too. I can’t promise you I won’t make that mistake again because I’m only human, but I promise you that I’ll try not to.

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes… it’s overwhelming sometimes how much I love you…

Thank you for dancing with me to Taylor Swift’s song. Thank you for being the first person to buy me flowers. Thank you for giving me your shirt to sleep in. Thank you for going with me to my first concert. Thank you for being selfless when I was selfish. Thank you for being your goofy self around me. Thank you for holding my hand and keeping it warm. Thank you for being worried about me. Thank you for including me in your family. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for being honest and righteous. Thank you for fighting for me. Thank you for taking care of me.

And thank you for loving me.

Nel tuo sguardo crescerò,
Mi baci piano ed io torno ad esistere…

Just a Hug

September 18, 2021 — Leave a comment

Sometimes you feel like a million miles away… untouchable, unreachable.

Sometimes I wish that you’d close that distance and hold me close… just like that.

It’s really simple.

…

To put it in simpler terms… I’m fucking pissed!

I felt unacknowledged, and not important enough.

I said that I’m tired, and all I wanted was to end my day in your arms and escape to a new venture in our dreamland.

But instead, I waited.

I kept waiting.

I waited.

I waited some more and gave myself a distraction in the form of a mystical liquid that cleansed my nerves and peeled away their covers to make them more fragile and sensitive.

And then I was back in your radar, but I was on the outer circle, weakly beeping on the screen, but not strong enough for you to be able to close that distance as simple as it was before.

A hug wasn’t going to fix this.

Before, it would have.

Before, all I needed was just a hug.

Nothing else mattered when my being was intertwined with yours.

But now, I’m too out of reach to be intertwined with you.

I’m too far gone to be kept around.

Now, I need more.

Yes, I am

September 18, 2021 — Leave a comment

I think I forgot how to write…

I don’t know which words I want to get out of my system… I don’t know which words really describe how I’m feeling or what it is that I’m feeling. I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling, even when you ask me, “What’s wrong?

I really hate that question.

I finally admitted to myself that I’m depressed, and that’s okay. It felt out of character for my happy soul to acknowledge the darkness taking over it, but I did it, and that was the first step to overcoming this dreaded feeling.

The whys and hows are still a mystery to me… is it someone that drove me to this feeling? Is it a home? Is it a friend?

I have no clue. All I know is that I’ll take better care of myself, and accept my feelings rather than deny them and turn my back on them. They deserve better.

I deserve better.

Lost Faith

January 26, 2020 — Leave a comment

Lost Faith

It’s unsettling when these thoughts start coming to you. It’s out of your control. You feel helpless, and the more you try to control them, the harder it gets to stop them. You want to slow down, pause, stop… Even if it’s just for a second, it might help.

Do you ever question life? Not in the life and death sense, but more of an existential wondering, like what’s the point? And trust me, this is isn’t depression talking or any sort of unhappiness. I’m happy…

I think.

I’ve been having thoughts recently. New kind of thoughts. If I do this or that, then what? What’s the point of it all? What’s the point of living for 70 years and dying? Where does my soul go? Do we reincarnate, to do it all over again, but experience it differently? Or do we go to heaven?

I guess I figured something out right now. My existential questions stem from my lack of faith. Religion was my foundation. I was taught how to pray and how to worship a God I was instructed to believe in and fear. I was shown fear before I was shown love. That great majestic being was someone I should fear in everything I do. That being, who created us all in his image, supposedly, was to be feared.

I guess I had a different perspective on things. I lost my faith in that God slowly and saw something else. I carved my way out of this box everyone put me in and released my thoughts. It was terrifying. Everything I’ve known was suddenly a house of cards. The certainty I had was shook, and it shook me down to the core.

There was a time when I was a soldier in the fight for love, and I still am. Because after I allowed myself to stop believing in everything I was taught, one thought and one belief stood strong, unwavering.

Love.

I chose to see that majestic being as an entity of love.

For me, God is love. I only have this belief now. It’s the only thing I’m certain of.

My existence and my soul are the uncertainty I dwell on. The after, the purpose, the reasons… those are the things that make me unsettled. They drive me into a dark place where nothing matters.

The physical loneliness I so desperately try to avoid is my kryptonite. It’s what my uncertainty feeds on. Sees an opportunity to take over my thoughts, settle deep down in my core, and knock down my pillars.

God is love, but not in a sense that I’m validating his existence. My religion, my holy book, my values, and my God, they’re summed up into one basic but complex term.

Love.

It’s my starting point and basis for everything. However, the unsettling part is that I know where to start, but I have no idea where to end.