Lost Faith


Lost Faith

It’s unsettling when these thoughts start coming to you. It’s out of your control. You feel helpless, and the more you try to control them, the harder it gets to stop them. You want to slow down, pause, stop… Even if it’s just for a second, it might help.

Do you ever question life? Not in the life and death sense, but more of an existential wondering, like what’s the point? And trust me, this is isn’t depression talking or any sort of unhappiness. I’m happy…

I think.

I’ve been having thoughts recently. New kind of thoughts. If I do this or that, then what? What’s the point of it all? What’s the point of living for 70 years and dying? Where does my soul go? Do we reincarnate, to do it all over again, but experience it differently? Or do we go to heaven?

I guess I figured something out right now. My existential questions stem from my lack of faith. Religion was my foundation. I was taught how to pray and how to worship a God I was instructed to believe in and fear. I was shown fear before I was shown love. That great majestic being was someone I should fear in everything I do. That being, who created us all in his image, supposedly, was to be feared.

I guess I had a different perspective on things. I lost my faith in that God slowly and saw something else. I carved my way out of this box everyone put me in and released my thoughts. It was terrifying. Everything I’ve known was suddenly a house of cards. The certainty I had was shook, and it shook me down to the core.

There was a time when I was a soldier in the fight for love, and I still am. Because after I allowed myself to stop believing in everything I was taught, one thought and one belief stood strong, unwavering.

Love.

I chose to see that majestic being as an entity of love.

For me, God is love. I only have this belief now. It’s the only thing I’m certain of.

My existence and my soul are the uncertainty I dwell on. The after, the purpose, the reasons… those are the things that make me unsettled. They drive me into a dark place where nothing matters.

The physical loneliness I so desperately try to avoid is my kryptonite. It’s what my uncertainty feeds on. Sees an opportunity to take over my thoughts, settle deep down in my core, and knock down my pillars.

God is love, but not in a sense that I’m validating his existence. My religion, my holy book, my values, and my God, they’re summed up into one basic but complex term.

Love.

It’s my starting point and basis for everything. However, the unsettling part is that I know where to start, but I have no idea where to end.

Dryland


Dryland

I keep giving because there are so many broken hearts. They need mending – they need love, but I’m afraid one day I’ll have nothing to give.

I’ll be left with an empty heart. It will crack, I know it. Drylands always crack. And then, who would help me mend?

I’m aching for physical intimacy, trying to fulfill it even if it hurt other people, even if I’m using them. I want that physical intimacy, but also, I want an emotional vacancy. I want to be touched, but I don’t want to be loved; not now at least. Is that weird? Is that off-putting? I’m not sure if it’s how I should feel. But then again, there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. There are no set of rules you should abide by. You are not supposed to feel a certain way.

I want an emotional vacancy to give myself space and time. I want that vacancy so I can reach inwards and figure myself out. I want space and time to take a breath and understand who the fuck I am. I want an emotional vacancy to fill it with love I forgot to direct towards myself.

I gave so much but forgot to give myself. I need that vacancy because filling it with another person’s love won’t work. It will be the wrong piece of the puzzle, the wrong edges and rotation, the wrong colors and shapes… it just won’t fit. It won’t help me heal and understand. Understand what am I? Who am I? What is it that I want?

Drylands always crack, but I haven’t reached that stage yet. I still have a bit to give myself. I still have some love I can mend and allow to grow to fill the vacancy. And that’s when I’ll be ready. That’s when I’ll be ready to love again.

Spirituality


Spirituality

I never understood what spirituality really was. For me, it was related to religion. It was a state of religious dedication, but I’ve never been more wrong in my life. Instead of focusing on myself, my soul, and my presence, I found myself running after fulfilling religious duties.
I was taught how to pray in order to find God. I was instructed to follow a certain path in order to reach heaven and eventually God. Damn… I’ve been deceived for so long.
Spirituality is the biggest revelation you’ll ever stumble upon. Everything becomes clear. You suddenly feel better about yourself. You accept yourself after being so concerned with becoming a better person in the eyes of society and the religion you’ve been taught.
Finding meaning in everything you do and experiencing a connection to your soul and your being isn’t something you find in the shallow way religion is handed to you. You’re given a set of rules and a handbook, and all you have to do is follow them without finding a meaning in whatever it is you’re doing.
But you shouldn’t settle. Don’t settle for a handbook and move around robotically.
You find relief and security in being religious, but there’ll always be something missing. A need to be more. A need to find a meaning and a connection. A need to embrace life instead of fearing a misstep that will drive you to hell.
Am I good enough? Is God pleased with me? Will God punish me?
Don’t you ask yourself these questions on a daily basis?
Stop!
God isn’t holding a cane and waiting to bash you with it when you sidetrack from the “handbook”.
God is greater than that. God is merciful. God is LOVE.
Think of God as the world’s perfect father, and then more. Your father will stand by you no matter what you do, no matter how many times you mess up. If your father does that, then what do you expect from God? Shouldn’t we expect more from God?
I choose to be spiritual, but I’m still religious. I choose to be both because I found love in both. I found God in both. I found the “full picture” in both.
Do not fear God. Do not fear the afterlife. If you open up your heart and allow love to settle in, then you’re allowing God to enter your being. You’re allowing God to reside in your heart, and from that point on, you’ll be stronger than ever. You’ll be fearless. You’ll be whole.
God is your one-man army, and trust me, you’ll conquer everything with this army.

I’m True


I'm True

The thing about romance and love… Well, let’s just say it’s some weird shit. Would you think that one day, you might actually fall in love with a voice?

I heard your voice for two weeks, and you drew me in with just that. I was too shy to turn and face you, to discover the face with the mouth that uttered a splendor.

You weren’t serenading or speaking poetically, it was simply your voice. My body and my brain interpreted it as one of my favorite songs.

It seeped under my skin and found its way to a locked chest in which I’ve buried my emotions…

Days and days later…. coincidence revealed your face. It’s not that you have extraordinary beauty, but to me, the beauty I saw was enough.

Maybe it’s because I’m a hopeless romantic that I fall for someone so easily, or maybe it’s because of you.

I just wish that the eyes I caught staring weren’t a work of my imagination.

I wish that the reason you always sit behind me is because you want to be as close as possible or you want me to know that you exist.

I know I’m going to regret these words afterwards.

I guess part of me enjoys being fragile and exposed.

I really need to be loved. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced true love or any sort of love. That’s why I get attached so easily. To me, it’s a chance at love. The warm fuzzy feelings you get in your stomach. The smile that draws itself on your face simply by a thought. The safety you feel by merely a gaze.

I’m a hopeless romantic. I think in a poetic way. I imagine things that I know would never happen.

I’m fragile and exposed.

But at least-

I’m true