Thoughts

Dryland

March 31, 2019 — Leave a comment

Dryland

I keep giving because there are so many broken hearts. They need mending – they need love, but I’m afraid one day I’ll have nothing to give.

I’ll be left with an empty heart. It will crack, I know it. Drylands always crack. And then, who would help me mend?

I’m aching for physical intimacy, trying to fulfill it even if it hurt other people, even if I’m using them. I want that physical intimacy, but also, I want an emotional vacancy. I want to be touched, but I don’t want to be loved; not now at least. Is that weird? Is that off-putting? I’m not sure if it’s how I should feel. But then again, there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. There are no set of rules you should abide by. You are not supposed to feel a certain way.

I want an emotional vacancy to give myself space and time. I want that vacancy so I can reach inwards and figure myself out. I want space and time to take a breath and understand who the fuck I am. I want an emotional vacancy to fill it with love I forgot to direct towards myself.

I gave so much but forgot to give myself. I need that vacancy because filling it with another person’s love won’t work. It will be the wrong piece of the puzzle, the wrong edges and rotation, the wrong colors and shapes… it just won’t fit. It won’t help me heal and understand. Understand what am I? Who am I? What is it that I want?

Drylands always crack, but I haven’t reached that stage yet. I still have a bit to give myself. I still have some love I can mend and allow to grow to fill the vacancy. And that’s when I’ll be ready. That’s when I’ll be ready to love again.

Spirituality

August 31, 2017 — Leave a comment

Spirituality

I never understood what spirituality really was. For me, it was related to religion. It was a state of religious dedication, but I’ve never been more wrong in my life. Instead of focusing on myself, my soul, and my presence, I found myself running after fulfilling religious duties.
I was taught how to pray in order to find God. I was instructed to follow a certain path in order to reach heaven and eventually God. Damn… I’ve been deceived for so long.
Spirituality is the biggest revelation you’ll ever stumble upon. Everything becomes clear. You suddenly feel better about yourself. You accept yourself after being so concerned with becoming a better person in the eyes of society and the religion you’ve been taught.
Finding meaning in everything you do and experiencing a connection to your soul and your being isn’t something you find in the shallow way religion is handed to you. You’re given a set of rules and a handbook, and all you have to do is follow them without finding a meaning in whatever it is you’re doing.
But you shouldn’t settle. Don’t settle for a handbook and move around robotically.
You find relief and security in being religious, but there’ll always be something missing. A need to be more. A need to find a meaning and a connection. A need to embrace life instead of fearing a misstep that will drive you to hell.
Am I good enough? Is God pleased with me? Will God punish me?
Don’t you ask yourself these questions on a daily basis?
Stop!
God isn’t holding a cane and waiting to bash you with it when you sidetrack from the “handbook”.
God is greater than that. God is merciful. God is LOVE.
Think of God as the world’s perfect father, and then more. Your father will stand by you no matter what you do, no matter how many times you mess up. If your father does that, then what do you expect from God? Shouldn’t we expect more from God?
I choose to be spiritual, but I’m still religious. I choose to be both because I found love in both. I found God in both. I found the “full picture” in both.
Do not fear God. Do not fear the afterlife. If you open up your heart and allow love to settle in, then you’re allowing God to enter your being. You’re allowing God to reside in your heart, and from that point on, you’ll be stronger than ever. You’ll be fearless. You’ll be whole.
God is your one-man army, and trust me, you’ll conquer everything with this army.

I’m True

August 27, 2017 — Leave a comment

I'm True

The thing about romance and love… Well, let’s just say it’s some weird shit. Would you think that one day, you might actually fall in love with a voice?

I heard your voice for two weeks, and you drew me in with just that. I was too shy to turn and face you, to discover the face with the mouth that uttered a splendor.

You weren’t serenading or speaking poetically, it was simply your voice. My body and my brain interpreted it as one of my favorite songs.

It seeped under my skin and found its way to a locked chest in which I’ve buried my emotions…

Days and days later…. coincidence revealed your face. It’s not that you have extraordinary beauty, but to me, the beauty I saw was enough.

Maybe it’s because I’m a hopeless romantic that I fall for someone so easily, or maybe it’s because of you.

I just wish that the eyes I caught staring weren’t a work of my imagination.

I wish that the reason you always sit behind me is because you want to be as close as possible or you want me to know that you exist.

I know I’m going to regret these words afterwards.

I guess part of me enjoys being fragile and exposed.

I really need to be loved. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced true love or any sort of love. That’s why I get attached so easily. To me, it’s a chance at love. The warm fuzzy feelings you get in your stomach. The smile that draws itself on your face simply by a thought. The safety you feel by merely a gaze.

I’m a hopeless romantic. I think in a poetic way. I imagine things that I know would never happen.

I’m fragile and exposed.

But at least-

I’m true…

There’s Something About the Night

August 25, 2017 — Leave a comment

There's Something About the Night

There’s something about the night. You lie awake and start a long chain of thoughts. You start pondering on your life. Where did you go wrong? Why are you here? When will these tears stop escaping you so easily?
There’s something about the night. It’s 2 AM and you’re still awake. You wait for the answers that you can’t sleep without. Your eyes are begging for rest while your mind keeps swirling with the never-ending questions. What about love? What’s the point of all this hurt? Why can’t it be without scars? When will you be loved? Why do you love him but he doesn’t love you back? “That’s not fair,” you yell inwardly, but then, what is?
There’s something about that darkness. It darkens your vision forcing you to search for an inner light. And the silence. Oh, that silence is worth a thousand years of peace. It’s the few moments that world is at peace and still. The earth has stopped moving and everyone’s asleep, while others like me, beg for rest, hoping these thoughts and these words would stop circulating in my head. I’m begging them to stop, but they’re just getting started. They’ve been waiting for this freedom for so long. They won’t listen to your pleas nor will they have mercy. You’ll stay awake until they get tired and return to their slumber. You’ll close your eyes and find that peace at last, and the darkness will take over. And silence…