Lost Faith


Lost Faith

It’s unsettling when these thoughts start coming to you. It’s out of your control. You feel helpless, and the more you try to control them, the harder it gets to stop them. You want to slow down, pause, stop… Even if it’s just for a second, it might help.

Do you ever question life? Not in the life and death sense, but more of an existential wondering, like what’s the point? And trust me, this is isn’t depression talking or any sort of unhappiness. I’m happy…

I think.

I’ve been having thoughts recently. New kind of thoughts. If I do this or that, then what? What’s the point of it all? What’s the point of living for 70 years and dying? Where does my soul go? Do we reincarnate, to do it all over again, but experience it differently? Or do we go to heaven?

I guess I figured something out right now. My existential questions stem from my lack of faith. Religion was my foundation. I was taught how to pray and how to worship a God I was instructed to believe in and fear. I was shown fear before I was shown love. That great majestic being was someone I should fear in everything I do. That being, who created us all in his image, supposedly, was to be feared.

I guess I had a different perspective on things. I lost my faith in that God slowly and saw something else. I carved my way out of this box everyone put me in and released my thoughts. It was terrifying. Everything I’ve known was suddenly a house of cards. The certainty I had was shook, and it shook me down to the core.

There was a time when I was a soldier in the fight for love, and I still am. Because after I allowed myself to stop believing in everything I was taught, one thought and one belief stood strong, unwavering.

Love.

I chose to see that majestic being as an entity of love.

For me, God is love. I only have this belief now. It’s the only thing I’m certain of.

My existence and my soul are the uncertainty I dwell on. The after, the purpose, the reasons… those are the things that make me unsettled. They drive me into a dark place where nothing matters.

The physical loneliness I so desperately try to avoid is my kryptonite. It’s what my uncertainty feeds on. Sees an opportunity to take over my thoughts, settle deep down in my core, and knock down my pillars.

God is love, but not in a sense that I’m validating his existence. My religion, my holy book, my values, and my God, they’re summed up into one basic but complex term.

Love.

It’s my starting point and basis for everything. However, the unsettling part is that I know where to start, but I have no idea where to end.

Orbiting


Orbiting

Stardust and constellations

It’s where I found myself

In a place of darkness

With the occasional specks of light

 

No gravity to hold me

And no path to follow

I stumbled blindly

Across planets of sorrow

 

My scarred surface

And my hardened core

Crashed against a sphere

A failed star floating alone

 

Loneliest of all planets

Drifting with no orbit

Its light was extinguished

By a meteor that abandoned it

 

Its magnetosphere held me captive

Pushing me against the craters

I was tethered like a hostage

To a sphere of dreadful silence

 

An escape was tempting

To reclaim my freedom

But I stayed hoping

Perhaps I’ll be its hero

Dryland


Dryland

I keep giving because there are so many broken hearts. They need mending – they need love, but I’m afraid one day I’ll have nothing to give.

I’ll be left with an empty heart. It will crack, I know it. Drylands always crack. And then, who would help me mend?

I’m aching for physical intimacy, trying to fulfill it even if it hurt other people, even if I’m using them. I want that physical intimacy, but also, I want an emotional vacancy. I want to be touched, but I don’t want to be loved; not now at least. Is that weird? Is that off-putting? I’m not sure if it’s how I should feel. But then again, there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. There are no set of rules you should abide by. You are not supposed to feel a certain way.

I want an emotional vacancy to give myself space and time. I want that vacancy so I can reach inwards and figure myself out. I want space and time to take a breath and understand who the fuck I am. I want an emotional vacancy to fill it with love I forgot to direct towards myself.

I gave so much but forgot to give myself. I need that vacancy because filling it with another person’s love won’t work. It will be the wrong piece of the puzzle, the wrong edges and rotation, the wrong colors and shapes… it just won’t fit. It won’t help me heal and understand. Understand what am I? Who am I? What is it that I want?

Drylands always crack, but I haven’t reached that stage yet. I still have a bit to give myself. I still have some love I can mend and allow to grow to fill the vacancy. And that’s when I’ll be ready. That’s when I’ll be ready to love again.