Dryland

I keep giving because there are so many broken hearts. They need mending – they need love, but I’m afraid one day I’ll have nothing to give.

I’ll be left with an empty heart. It will crack, I know it. Drylands always crack. And then, who would help me mend?

I’m aching for physical intimacy, trying to fulfill it even if it hurt other people, even if I’m using them. I want that physical intimacy, but also, I want an emotional vacancy. I want to be touched, but I don’t want to be loved; not now at least. Is that weird? Is that off-putting? I’m not sure if it’s how I should feel. But then again, there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. There are no set of rules you should abide by. You are not supposed to feel a certain way.

I want an emotional vacancy to give myself space and time. I want that vacancy so I can reach inwards and figure myself out. I want space and time to take a breath and understand who the fuck I am. I want an emotional vacancy to fill it with love I forgot to direct towards myself.

I gave so much but forgot to give myself. I need that vacancy because filling it with another person’s love won’t work. It will be the wrong piece of the puzzle, the wrong edges and rotation, the wrong colors and shapes… it just won’t fit. It won’t help me heal and understand. Understand what am I? Who am I? What is it that I want?

Drylands always crack, but I haven’t reached that stage yet. I still have a bit to give myself. I still have some love I can mend and allow to grow to fill the vacancy. And that’s when I’ll be ready. That’s when I’ll be ready to love again.


Apavarga

I’ll inscribe myself upon you skintight
Like a meteor crashing against the moon
Whether it’s wrong, whether it’s right
I might never know…

A constellation circulating a black hole
I found my stars flickering slightly
To distance myself and to distance my soul
Was the hardest part…

Trapped in a space warp, I saw a new galaxy
Rewired myself, reprogrammed my beliefs
As a rebirth of my soul filled the vacancy
I saw a potential within me…

I drift further towards the blurred boundaries
As stardust wraps itself around me
Love flourishes against my exposed fragilities
And fills them with beauty…

I’m grateful for that fate
Along which I’ve found my Shams
Soaring towards an open gate
I feel an ethereal energy liberating me…


Dark Soul

Surrounded by bright souls
I felt mine darkening
It used to be like that before-
Bright as the sun, blinding

Bounded to a darkness after the fall
Neither the sun nor the stars were more tempting
Than the warmth of a hellhole
That was as dark as a buried coffin

It’s been so long since I felt this whole
I am a shadow in the brightest light, dominating
Had enough with the light that stole
The black, an ink that’ll keep me breathing
Even after my ending…


Oasis

(an immortalization of a beautiful connection)

What if I told you
Great things are awaiting
Beyond the hardships
There’s a future you’re shaping

But what if I didn’t
What if I reminded you
Things were once fucked-up
But you pushed through

I’ve seen the magic
All that you hold, a beauty inside
My moonchild you’re a raging wave
Of love and strength, high-tide

Remember our lesser selves
The ones we left behind
Take a look at yourself
At your majestic new mind

Marvel at the universe
Your loyal guardian angel
Waiting for you to jump
And leap into the danger

Because there’s no gravity here
Nothing to hold you down
With every leap, you’ll soar higher
And forget all the letdowns

You’re almost there
Soon enough you’ll reach it
The oasis you’ve been searching for
I swear it’ll be worth every bit