Lost Faith


Lost Faith

It’s unsettling when these thoughts start coming to you. It’s out of your control. You feel helpless, and the more you try to control them, the harder it gets to stop them. You want to slow down, pause, stop… Even if it’s just for a second, it might help.

Do you ever question life? Not in the life and death sense, but more of an existential wondering, like what’s the point? And trust me, this is isn’t depression talking or any sort of unhappiness. I’m happy…

I think.

I’ve been having thoughts recently. New kind of thoughts. If I do this or that, then what? What’s the point of it all? What’s the point of living for 70 years and dying? Where does my soul go? Do we reincarnate, to do it all over again, but experience it differently? Or do we go to heaven?

I guess I figured something out right now. My existential questions stem from my lack of faith. Religion was my foundation. I was taught how to pray and how to worship a God I was instructed to believe in and fear. I was shown fear before I was shown love. That great majestic being was someone I should fear in everything I do. That being, who created us all in his image, supposedly, was to be feared.

I guess I had a different perspective on things. I lost my faith in that God slowly and saw something else. I carved my way out of this box everyone put me in and released my thoughts. It was terrifying. Everything I’ve known was suddenly a house of cards. The certainty I had was shook, and it shook me down to the core.

There was a time when I was a soldier in the fight for love, and I still am. Because after I allowed myself to stop believing in everything I was taught, one thought and one belief stood strong, unwavering.

Love.

I chose to see that majestic being as an entity of love.

For me, God is love. I only have this belief now. It’s the only thing I’m certain of.

My existence and my soul are the uncertainty I dwell on. The after, the purpose, the reasons… those are the things that make me unsettled. They drive me into a dark place where nothing matters.

The physical loneliness I so desperately try to avoid is my kryptonite. It’s what my uncertainty feeds on. Sees an opportunity to take over my thoughts, settle deep down in my core, and knock down my pillars.

God is love, but not in a sense that I’m validating his existence. My religion, my holy book, my values, and my God, they’re summed up into one basic but complex term.

Love.

It’s my starting point and basis for everything. However, the unsettling part is that I know where to start, but I have no idea where to end.

Dark Soul


Dark Soul

Surrounded by bright souls
I felt mine darkening
It used to be like that before-
Bright as the sun, blinding

Bounded to a darkness after the fall
Neither the sun nor the stars were more tempting
Than the warmth of a hellhole
That was as dark as a buried coffin

It’s been so long since I felt this whole
I am a shadow in the brightest light, dominating
Had enough with the light that stole
The black, an ink that’ll keep me breathing
Even after my ending…

I’m True


I'm True

The thing about romance and love… Well, let’s just say it’s some weird shit. Would you think that one day, you might actually fall in love with a voice?

I heard your voice for two weeks, and you drew me in with just that. I was too shy to turn and face you, to discover the face with the mouth that uttered a splendor.

You weren’t serenading or speaking poetically, it was simply your voice. My body and my brain interpreted it as one of my favorite songs.

It seeped under my skin and found its way to a locked chest in which I’ve buried my emotions…

Days and days later…. coincidence revealed your face. It’s not that you have extraordinary beauty, but to me, the beauty I saw was enough.

Maybe it’s because I’m a hopeless romantic that I fall for someone so easily, or maybe it’s because of you.

I just wish that the eyes I caught staring weren’t a work of my imagination.

I wish that the reason you always sit behind me is because you want to be as close as possible or you want me to know that you exist.

I know I’m going to regret these words afterwards.

I guess part of me enjoys being fragile and exposed.

I really need to be loved. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced true love or any sort of love. That’s why I get attached so easily. To me, it’s a chance at love. The warm fuzzy feelings you get in your stomach. The smile that draws itself on your face simply by a thought. The safety you feel by merely a gaze.

I’m a hopeless romantic. I think in a poetic way. I imagine things that I know would never happen.

I’m fragile and exposed.

But at least-

I’m true

There’s Something About the Night


There's Something About the Night

There’s something about the night. You lie awake and start a long chain of thoughts. You start pondering on your life. Where did you go wrong? Why are you here? When will these tears stop escaping you so easily?
There’s something about the night. It’s 2 AM and you’re still awake. You wait for the answers that you can’t sleep without. Your eyes are begging for rest while your mind keeps swirling with the never-ending questions. What about love? What’s the point of all this hurt? Why can’t it be without scars? When will you be loved? Why do you love him but he doesn’t love you back? “That’s not fair,” you yell inwardly, but then, what is?
There’s something about that darkness. It darkens your vision forcing you to search for an inner light. And the silence. Oh, that silence is worth a thousand years of peace. It’s the few moments that world is at peace and still. The earth has stopped moving and everyone’s asleep, while others like me, beg for rest, hoping these thoughts and these words would stop circulating in my head. I’m begging them to stop, but they’re just getting started. They’ve been waiting for this freedom for so long. They won’t listen to your pleas nor will they have mercy. You’ll stay awake until they get tired and return to their slumber. You’ll close your eyes and find that peace at last, and the darkness will take over. And silence…