writing

Just a Hug

September 18, 2021 — Leave a comment

Sometimes you feel like a million miles away… untouchable, unreachable.

Sometimes I wish that you’d close that distance and hold me close… just like that.

It’s really simple.

…

To put it in simpler terms… I’m fucking pissed!

I felt unacknowledged, and not important enough.

I said that I’m tired, and all I wanted was to end my day in your arms and escape to a new venture in our dreamland.

But instead, I waited.

I kept waiting.

I waited.

I waited some more and gave myself a distraction in the form of a mystical liquid that cleansed my nerves and peeled away their covers to make them more fragile and sensitive.

And then I was back in your radar, but I was on the outer circle, weakly beeping on the screen, but not strong enough for you to be able to close that distance as simple as it was before.

A hug wasn’t going to fix this.

Before, it would have.

Before, all I needed was just a hug.

Nothing else mattered when my being was intertwined with yours.

But now, I’m too out of reach to be intertwined with you.

I’m too far gone to be kept around.

Now, I need more.

Yes, I am

September 18, 2021 — Leave a comment

I think I forgot how to write…

I don’t know which words I want to get out of my system… I don’t know which words really describe how I’m feeling or what it is that I’m feeling. I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling, even when you ask me, “What’s wrong?

I really hate that question.

I finally admitted to myself that I’m depressed, and that’s okay. It felt out of character for my happy soul to acknowledge the darkness taking over it, but I did it, and that was the first step to overcoming this dreaded feeling.

The whys and hows are still a mystery to me… is it someone that drove me to this feeling? Is it a home? Is it a friend?

I have no clue. All I know is that I’ll take better care of myself, and accept my feelings rather than deny them and turn my back on them. They deserve better.

I deserve better.

Lost Faith

January 26, 2020 — Leave a comment

Lost Faith

It’s unsettling when these thoughts start coming to you. It’s out of your control. You feel helpless, and the more you try to control them, the harder it gets to stop them. You want to slow down, pause, stop… Even if it’s just for a second, it might help.

Do you ever question life? Not in the life and death sense, but more of an existential wondering, like what’s the point? And trust me, this is isn’t depression talking or any sort of unhappiness. I’m happy…

I think.

I’ve been having thoughts recently. New kind of thoughts. If I do this or that, then what? What’s the point of it all? What’s the point of living for 70 years and dying? Where does my soul go? Do we reincarnate, to do it all over again, but experience it differently? Or do we go to heaven?

I guess I figured something out right now. My existential questions stem from my lack of faith. Religion was my foundation. I was taught how to pray and how to worship a God I was instructed to believe in and fear. I was shown fear before I was shown love. That great majestic being was someone I should fear in everything I do. That being, who created us all in his image, supposedly, was to be feared.

I guess I had a different perspective on things. I lost my faith in that God slowly and saw something else. I carved my way out of this box everyone put me in and released my thoughts. It was terrifying. Everything I’ve known was suddenly a house of cards. The certainty I had was shook, and it shook me down to the core.

There was a time when I was a soldier in the fight for love, and I still am. Because after I allowed myself to stop believing in everything I was taught, one thought and one belief stood strong, unwavering.

Love.

I chose to see that majestic being as an entity of love.

For me, God is love. I only have this belief now. It’s the only thing I’m certain of.

My existence and my soul are the uncertainty I dwell on. The after, the purpose, the reasons… those are the things that make me unsettled. They drive me into a dark place where nothing matters.

The physical loneliness I so desperately try to avoid is my kryptonite. It’s what my uncertainty feeds on. Sees an opportunity to take over my thoughts, settle deep down in my core, and knock down my pillars.

God is love, but not in a sense that I’m validating his existence. My religion, my holy book, my values, and my God, they’re summed up into one basic but complex term.

Love.

It’s my starting point and basis for everything. However, the unsettling part is that I know where to start, but I have no idea where to end.

Dryland

March 31, 2019 — Leave a comment

Dryland

I keep giving because there are so many broken hearts. They need mending – they need love, but I’m afraid one day I’ll have nothing to give.

I’ll be left with an empty heart. It will crack, I know it. Drylands always crack. And then, who would help me mend?

I’m aching for physical intimacy, trying to fulfill it even if it hurt other people, even if I’m using them. I want that physical intimacy, but also, I want an emotional vacancy. I want to be touched, but I don’t want to be loved; not now at least. Is that weird? Is that off-putting? I’m not sure if it’s how I should feel. But then again, there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. There are no set of rules you should abide by. You are not supposed to feel a certain way.

I want an emotional vacancy to give myself space and time. I want that vacancy so I can reach inwards and figure myself out. I want space and time to take a breath and understand who the fuck I am. I want an emotional vacancy to fill it with love I forgot to direct towards myself.

I gave so much but forgot to give myself. I need that vacancy because filling it with another person’s love won’t work. It will be the wrong piece of the puzzle, the wrong edges and rotation, the wrong colors and shapes… it just won’t fit. It won’t help me heal and understand. Understand what am I? Who am I? What is it that I want?

Drylands always crack, but I haven’t reached that stage yet. I still have a bit to give myself. I still have some love I can mend and allow to grow to fill the vacancy. And that’s when I’ll be ready. That’s when I’ll be ready to love again.