Dryland

I keep giving because there are so many broken hearts. They need mending – they need love, but I’m afraid one day I’ll have nothing to give.

I’ll be left with an empty heart. It will crack, I know it. Drylands always crack. And then, who would help me mend?

I’m aching for physical intimacy, trying to fulfill it even if it hurt other people, even if I’m using them. I want that physical intimacy, but also, I want an emotional vacancy. I want to be touched, but I don’t want to be loved; not now at least. Is that weird? Is that off-putting? I’m not sure if it’s how I should feel. But then again, there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. There are no set of rules you should abide by. You are not supposed to feel a certain way.

I want an emotional vacancy to give myself space and time. I want that vacancy so I can reach inwards and figure myself out. I want space and time to take a breath and understand who the fuck I am. I want an emotional vacancy to fill it with love I forgot to direct towards myself.

I gave so much but forgot to give myself. I need that vacancy because filling it with another person’s love won’t work. It will be the wrong piece of the puzzle, the wrong edges and rotation, the wrong colors and shapes… it just won’t fit. It won’t help me heal and understand. Understand what am I? Who am I? What is it that I want?

Drylands always crack, but I haven’t reached that stage yet. I still have a bit to give myself. I still have some love I can mend and allow to grow to fill the vacancy. And that’s when I’ll be ready. That’s when I’ll be ready to love again.


Apavarga

I’ll inscribe myself upon you skintight
Like a meteor crashing against the moon
Whether it’s wrong, whether it’s right
I might never know…

A constellation circulating a black hole
I found my stars flickering slightly
To distance myself and to distance my soul
Was the hardest part…

Trapped in a space warp, I saw a new galaxy
Rewired myself, reprogrammed my beliefs
As a rebirth of my soul filled the vacancy
I saw a potential within me…

I drift further towards the blurred boundaries
As stardust wraps itself around me
Love flourishes against my exposed fragilities
And fills them with beauty…

I’m grateful for that fate
Along which I’ve found my Shams
Soaring towards an open gate
I feel an ethereal energy liberating me…


His Hell... My Bliss

My flesh is thin glass
Easily breakable…

The only arms I wanted were his
And I thought I knew
What love truly is
Until I met you

So drag me into your hell
I’m already caught in the flames
Turn me into your fire
Before I turn into ashes

My flesh melts away
And my skin cracks open
You reside inside of me
Burning… scorching me

I melt into a bliss
As the coldness dissipates
My cells adapt to the heat
Until they burst…


Proximity

I can’t describe the joy I feel when you’re this close. When we’re breathing the same air. When you talk to me, when I hear your voice… and my name on your lips. It’s beautiful. I feel beautiful when you look at me. When your eyes decide to carve a memory of me…

That day, when you asked what my name was, I couldn’t stop smiling. I swear I couldn’t.

I keep envisioning those eyes of yours… I try to let their warmth seep from my memory into my body, into my veins… until it’s embracing my heart.

I keep retracing lips that were never kissed, wondering how yours would feel against mine.

I keep running my hands across my arms, wondering how firm your grip is, wondering how easily you can lift me… wondering how safe I would feel….

This isn’t about a heart skipping a couple of beats, nor it is about the flutters I always get when I think about you…

It’s more-

More than the typical romance novel shit…
This isn’t a typical attraction.
I’m afraid this might be an addiction.
Addiction to your warmth, your strength, your lovely scent, and your sweet voice.
You make me beautiful.
Your proximity, my addiction, makes me beautiful.